All readers called Mungo, stop reading now..

As most readers know, I am a quiet and retiring type who lets the slightly odd ways of the world wash over him with ne'er a complaint or bad word to say about anything or anybody. As an exception to this rule however, and pursuant to a trip up into town on Friday night to see Saint Bill of Bailey, I feel compelled to point out the following to anyone having a conversation on the train within earshot of veteran commuters:

a) for anyone with a decent education who is contemplating getting a decent job, but has the unfortunate social disadvantage of a plummy accent and an incredibly silly nickname such as Dagger or Mungo, please do NOT get into the habit of using expressions such as the following:

(i) "yeah, Mungo was LIKE, SOO drunk" (caps depict wholly inappropriate emphasis);
(ii) "Oh yeah, LIKE DJ Spong is SO awesome?" (rising at the end to depict some sort of question EVERY BLOODY TIME); and
(iii) "Oh yeah, I was like, SO drunk, I walked all the way to Aberdeen with LIKE, NO shoes ON."

b) quit it with the crappy air kissy kissy nonsense (muah ... muah). It might play well with your Facebook-crowd of fake mates, but the real world gave it up as a bad bet about 4 seconds after the first episode of 'Absolutely Fabulous' aired 10 years ago.

c) loudly proclaiming how boring your work experience is on a train full of commuters shows about as much tactical foresight as turkeys voting for Xmas. The expression 'it's a small world' ring any bells?

d) all commuters HATE listening to other people's conversations (unless they fall into the category of car-crash conversations with tell-tale hissy fits and swearing). We just like to switch off and reflect on the day or things to do in a bit of PEACE AND QUIET.

So just, LIKE, SHUT UP, would you, Mungo!!!!!